10:56 p.m. - 2009-08-26
Tamoxifen
I've been living in the house on my own for about 6 weeks now and it really sort of sucks.
Did I tell you I had to stop taking the cancer meds?
It was weird. I had been on the meds about 3 days when my friend Lori and I came over to the house to clean it up and get it "date ready" even if I wasn't.
Just as I looked up at the cabinets I felt depressed. "Oh God, the cabinets are making me depressed." She told me they weren't bad, but I picked up a drill and started trying to get it off the wall. A few hours later, the counter top made me feel sick. Oh my gosh, I can't live with this kitchen, the faucet is out-dated and why did I paint it this horrible color...although I painted 3 rooms that color because I thought I loved it.
I didn't know what to do. We scrubbed and cleaned. I even tried to pick out the bathroom grout so that I could freshen that. Still, nothing was right.
I had saved a couple grand to divorce Bruce, I need to do that in case I die. The thought of Bruce and Karen going on a cruise with my money while I lay cold and unloved would kill my mother. I would probably claw my way out of the ground just to rip off his head. Yes, a divorce would be much easier. But I felt okay for now...and I hate this kitchen.. I don't have much money and who do I know that would do it for cheap?
I called the plumber although he had told the clinical coordinator (my friend Toni) at work when he came for pain management... drugs....he was moving to Florida just to get away from me. I guess he has his rights to hate me. I did dump him to go back to my old boyfriend right after Christmas...who I was still sort of with but not really. Now Jim is more like a turd I've scraped off my shoe but the smell lingers on.
Plumber guy said he would do it for a fair price. But as it turned out, he was still angry and his neurosis would kick in and I had to flirt a lot to keep him on the job, give him false hope and totally lie.
I did all the painting myself, I was afraid his drug tremors would leave an uneven line along the ceiling and that would make me crazy.
I never knew when he might snap and I hated the kitchen so we worked day and night. I still made it to work at the clinic. After all, I had to pay for all this.
He got real weird after the sun went down and he began to get tired. He would pick fights and being tired myself I was tired of kissing ass. There were times I just couldn't take his drug over loaded pea-brain and wondered why it shouldn't be legal to kill him. Then when I couldn't take it any longer I would let him have it.
He left me in the middle of the project 2 times, once at midnight when he brought up the past and how I dumped him and he was crazy for being there. I said "blah blah blah, can you just pop a Vicoden and suck it up." I chased his car, how would I ever get the doors on the cupboards?
At 2am I texted him to say I was going to hex him if he didn't finish the job. He came back the next day, but in the long run,it wasn't worth it.
2 weeks later, the kitchen was done, beautiful and he even gave me back $100. Still, I was curled on the bed in fetal position wishing I were dead, losing weight and feeling confused. What the hell is wrong with me? How could I call the plumber? I love Jim..I hate Jim..Jim cheated on me, but I cheated on him... Why did I leave? I should have just shared him. Half a Jim is better than a whole plumber.
It was the next day my friend Toni called to say her friend had to be taken off Tamoxifen that it made her crazy. "I'm so sorry I told you it wasn't the cancer drug, that it was all in your head. Thank God you didn't kill yourself, I would feel awful." I hope her confession made her happy, because I was out 2K and how would I get rid of the plumber?
3 days after I stopped the treatment, I realized the old cabinets weren't so bad, and that I really had liked the color of the kitchen prior to painting until I puked. And that I had spent my divorce money and Bruce now has the nerve to call and say he was expecting rent...on a house I own!! More on that tomorrow. I hate you Bruce.
